Memo to Thom Jurek: Shut Up

Thom Jurek is a writer at allmusic, a site I visit at least once a day. I think I even visited it while on vacation in San Francisco last summer. Why? Why, because it's the best single resource for popular music on the web. It's a repository that actually aspires to catalog EVERY recording in the world. And it's still workin', mind you, but they've done great with what they've got. And most of them even have reviews!

Music reviews are a funny thing. You have to read them selectively, and to do that you have to read the writers selectively. Which means finding music critics that you respect.

I know. Hard to do. But some are harder than others.

So a few years back, when I took part in a reader survey that allmusic offered, one answer came quick. The question was, "What do you like the least about allmusic.com?" (They italicized least just like that. Cuz they'd already asked what you liked most.) The answer? "Thom Jurek."

This rambling jackass of a writer simply CANNOT shut up. His reviews of albums become track-by-track analyses; sometimes, they become very long-form essays. The first one I ever encountered was his review of Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds' best album, No More Shall We Part. (Yes, it's their best album. Fuck off.) When you click on the above link, notice two things: 1) how goddamn long the review is. 2) The fact that THAT'S NOT ALL OF IT. There's a READ MORE tab. Jesus, with what's already there, are you really gonna be interested in the sequel by the time you get to that tab? Read closer yet, and you will notice that 1) in the full review (an unbelievable 968 words), he mentions the album title exactly three times. 2) He mentions the previous album, The Boatman's Call, four times. Yes, we get it. No More Shall We Part has a lot in common with The Boatman's Call. Which album is it you're talking about again?

So I read that one and immediately decided that I hated this guy. That was before his review of The Rising, Bruce Springsteen's wonderful album—one of only two albums that dealt with 9/11 (and the only one to deal with it directly) in terms of honest human loss and vulnerability, rather than jingoism and bullshit melodrama. Jurek's review (1,225 words) opens with an epigram. An epigram! For a frigging Springsteen record! An epigram, no less, that consists of an Art Carney quote. The apparent goal of such a review is to give you artistic comparisons and detailed dissertation about the record...you know, to save you the trouble of LISTENING TO IT.

The bulk of his other reviews are confined to jazz. Ironically, a genre in which discipline and non-self-indulgence are extraordinarily important. Again, though, Thom Jurek can't shut up, and he has the rare gift of being blustery and effusive without generating any actual enthusiasm. In his writings on one of my favorite albums by one of my favorite musicians, Chappaqua Suite by Ornette Coleman, he manages to turn in by far the shortest review I've ever read, gives the album 4 1/2 stars, explains the innovative and creative processes behind the record, and ends with an effusive outburst of "Very worthwhile indeed." Oh, wow! Doesn't that inspire you to just get up and pay the $30.00 that it takes to buy this CD from Poland, the only place it's still in print?! Rejoice! Celebrate! Jump up and shout it from the rooftops! "Very worthwhile indeed."

Not to mention the shit he gets wrong. Another Ornette album (the first one, Something Else!!!! The Music of Ornette Coleman), according to Jurek, "shook up the jazz world" when it was released in 1958. Yeah. I'm sure that the 30 people who heard it in 1958 were thoroughly shaken up by that vaguely avant-garde album.

Thom, if you're reading this: I, too, have read Oscar Wilde's treatise on the critic as artist. And I understand the impulse to make art about other art; very postmodern. But you know what? Your art ain't worth much if nobody wants to read it. And it don't do much for its subject if, after all your rambling, you give noncommittal conclusions. So seriously, shut up already!

To sum up, Thom Jurek sucks.